The Debt Man's A-Callin'

Hey Person I'm Replacing,

Why am I getting 6 to 8 calls a day from creditors looking for you? As much as I love talking to computers and shifty-sounding people who hang up when I ask if I can take a message, this is really quite silly! I am not judging your personal financial issues (god knows we all have them), but when did you give your work number to these people? If you knew that this would happen on a constant basis, shouldn't you warn your temp and instruct on how you would like it handled?

While we're at it, how about leaving any instructions of any kind? That's be helpful. Thanks.

-Hildy

Cubicle Win

I've seen a lot of rad (read: horrendous/insane/awesome) cubicle decorations in my time, but I'm pretty sure this one wins the grand prize. IT HAS REAL RUNNING WATER, people.

Son Of A Goat

The woman in the cubicle next to me in my current assignment talks to herself all day and pretty much narrates her day out loud. Below is a transcript of a couple of hours in one afternoon. What you don't get from this is the constant heavy sighing and monotone humming that is interspersed throughout.

Ok. So.
This, I’ll do this first?
Oh.
No.
Ohh, darn.
Son of a goat!
Crap.
There we go.
Ohhhhhh.
(typing) Um, thank you for your call at work…because…who did…
OK. You know what? I know. I changed my mind. We’re going to do two pages.
It’s at four, right? Four.
OK, um. I can do this. OK.
OH! Whoops! HMM!
I’m like what the heck?
That’s funny funny funny. Funny funny funny.
Uh oh. What the hell?
Oh I know why!
I gotta get started on the call for M---.
Oh come on.
I knew you were there.
Hmm! Perfect.
OH.
Oh.
I had it already.
What?
*Gasp* Son of a goat! Ouch.
OK.
One day, Alice. One day!
Let’s see what I’ve got. Whoops! Oh. Whoops! Oh.
…when I’ll return…the Monday…
OK. I haven’t told anybody that.
Well, what do you know.
OK, I’m not calling anymore tonight. Nope.
Oh shit. *gasp* Oh. Sorry.
No.
OK, now.
Oh boy. Tape.
What the hell? Ok. Of course.
Ok. Ok. HA! Oh my god.
…haven’t had it in years.
Um. What am I doing? Ok, if I go through…Oh. What appears…
OK. The 14th. One, two, three, four. Four people.
OK. April 28th. UGH! Um. Oops! No. No. Um. Oh.
OK. So, let’s see…
Oh. They didn’t take all my boxes. HAHAHAHAHA.
Oh, son of a goat.

Multiply times many hours over many days and I've got myself quite a show over here!

The Temp Must-Have Bring-Along Kit

I have been meaning for a long time to write down a list of things that as a temp can be very useful to bring along with you to an assignment.

1. Thumb drive with your own internet browser built in. Most peoples' computers are just chock full of horribleness. You do not want to be checking your email or inputting personal data on a machine that is crammed full of spyware. Also, a lot of studio computers don't give you administrative rights to install other browsers or programs like CCleaner. If you bring along your own thumb drive with something like Firefox Portable Edition on it, you can safely browse with your own settings and no one will be the wiser.
2. A book. Unfortunately, there will be days when you get to an assignment and no computer access is available to you. Don't rely on your phone for entertainment, it will die in a few hours. Bring a book or a notepad or a sketch pad or whatever it is that is important to you in the real world so you can have something to do while you're waiting for that phone to ring.
3. Food. As fun as it is to forage for food in your new desk and its environs (and yes, you absolutely should take and eat whatever you find), often there's not much to be had. I actually bring a whole lunchbag thingy with me complete with nuts, vitamins, good teas (the teas offered in offices are horrendous), fruit, etc. If you are going to be settling into a long run of a week or more, bring your own mug and water cup so you aren't wasting the paper and plastic crap they have in the break rooms.
4. Cleaning wipes. Dude, trust me on this. Have a set of some kind of pre-packaged alcohol swabs of some kind with you in your kit at all times. Usually the reason you have been brought in is because someone is out sick, which means they slobbered their illness all over their phone and computer before they left. SANITIZE, because you seriously can catch their sick. If you don't have any swabs on you, ask if there is a first aid kit nearby, they usually have them.
   
5. Butt pad for horrible chairs. You never know what you're going to get with this, but if you find you are placed in a torture chair, invest in a few ergonomic pieces to save yourself years of chiropractic visits (this is from experience). I have OFTEN been placed in jobs where the person is out for a few months due to back problems, only to find myself coming down with the same pains. Don't be afraid to change the setup when you get to a new space to accommodate your ergonomic needs.
6. Oh hell, just bring a whole backpack. You won't regret it. You can put all the aforementioned stuff in it and also, you know, bring home with you some items that you might pick up along the way, like free promo stuff - DVDs, CDs, whatever anyone offers you, just take it. You can always trade it in for credit at Amoeba.
   

Aeron Chairs and Aeron Knockoff Chairs

...are from Satan.

Hate you.

That is all.

Pet Peeves

Oh, I'm still here. Will try to share more temping horror stories. Sorry for the hiatus. I have been temping all over the studio again, going on very quick one-day to one-week jobs. There has been plenty to talk about. I'll start with things that drive me nuts about people's workspaces:

• COMIC SANS font. Really, what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you typing official documents EVER with this font? Why is this your system font? Again I ask, what is wrong with you? We aren't playing The Sims.

• Not explaining who the hell I'm supposed to be helping in your notes for the temp. You'd be amazed at how many people forget to give out this very BASIC information: who you're supporting, what phone lines you're answering, and what their phone lines are. Not to mention never explaining if you announce your calls via AIM, intercom, or good old-fashioned yelling.

• Incorrect spelling in your temp notes. Really? You never learned how to spell or punctuate? You don't know the difference between "their" and "they're," and you're employed as an assistant at a major corporation? I know many people who deserve your job much more than you do.

• You use your work email as your personal email address? Really? In 2010? You are getting Facebook messages and daily inspiration from your women's group in your work Outlook? Are you stupid? Also, do you realize that I am reading everything you get in your Inbox? While we're at it, you might want to think about using a different email address for your new job searches. And for God's sake, change your background image to something decent. I do not want to see you drunk.

• Your computer setup makes no sense. I know everyone has different ergonomic needs, but I'd say that 85% of the time, the workspace setup is downright atrocious. Like unacceptably uncomfortable and annoying in ways that make no sense. How are you not in traction? I get so much back pain from sitting in your seat and trying to use your keyboard and monitor the way you have them situated, I don't understand how you are alive right now.

• Your notes asking not to change your computer settings in any way. Well, I wouldn't HAVE to if you weren't such an irresponsible internet user, or if your monitor wasn't set to 800 x 600. I always install my own browser (usually Google Chrome because most people don't have it on their computer) so I can browse in peace without getting contaminated by your unsafe internet use. Don't tell me how to use your computer. (Note: I keep a list of everything I've changed and always change it all back, because I know you want all your spyware exactly where you left it.)

• No, I will not use your AIM screenname. You wouldn't believe how many people tell you to use their screenname to announce calls and stuff. Absolutely not! As much fun as it is to be privy to your sordid social life, and as tempting as it is to make up all kinds of wild lies to your friends posing as you, I won't do this. I usually make some excuse that my temp company doesn't allow me to pose as someone else. And then I use my own screenname.

This list to be continued.

Now That's More Like It

I am in a much better assignment. People leave me alone, generally. I have discovered a new tactic I haven't tried before in temping that seems to be paying off. I'm dressing more office-y. I'm finding this helps me give the perception that I care more than I do. So I can be generally lazy, but if someone comes over and I look all corporate, I MUST be doing something efficient! I am also using a more commanding, serious voice with my bosses. A voice that says "I am incredibly attentive and perky!" Inside I am just pretending I am on Mad Men.

...this could change tomorrow on my whim. I am not sure how long I can keep up the dressing up thing. It's a pain, but a fun experiment!