Mary Temp'ns, Nanny To Execs

If you want this choice position
Have a cheery disposition
Rosy cheeks, no warts
Play games, all sorts

Welcome. I am Hildy, and I work as a temporary administrative assistant for a Major Movie Studio Of Your Choosing. I am well-versed in the ways of The Temp. Eight years of sitting in other people's seats has taught me much about human behavior in the workplace. I've come to find that I have become the Mary Poppins of the temp pool. My job is to go in to messy, unruly situations, remain emotionally distant whilst efficiently tidying up, then gracefully and happily exiting when my time is over as people strain to remember, "who was that one temp we had that one time?"

You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty
Take us on outings, give us treats
Sing songs, bring sweets

For some reason, I have become a magnet for problem cases. I get sent to the Screamers, the Narcissists, and the Truly Inept. Over the years I have worked for everyone from Extremely Important Heads Of Studios to Extremely Unimportant But Always Think They're Extremely Important Peons. I have found that it's usually the lower level executives who have the most strange office rituals and bizarre mental problems.

Never be cross or cruel
Never give us castor oil or gruel
Love us as a son and daughter
And never smell of barley water

These problems range across gender and age. They usually involve power and the wielding and abusing of it. I have learned that very few people know how to treat their assistants with the respect and care they deserve. Either they are used to heavily abusing them and then are confused when I come in because I won't allow it, or they are used to ignoring them and are totally confused when all their needs aren't met by the silent invisible servants who usually cater to them.

If you won't scold and dominate us
We will never give you cause to hate us
We won't hide your spectacles so you can't see
Put toads in your bed or pepper in your tea

It's not just the bosses who are bad. In three seconds, I can assess the absent assistant's position of power by his or her desk. I almost always find confusing organizational methods, a computer packed with spyware, chairs so uncomfortable as to break backs, antiquated filing and computing systems, and doofy pink kitten and inspirational calendars. No, no, no, assistant! This is telling your boss, "please walk all over me."

Hurry nanny, many thanks
Sincerely, Jane and Michael Banks

But don't worry. I am here to fix all these things. I am here to break executives of their poor habits. I am here to make your office more efficient while doing little to nothing different except an energetic power shift that is so subtle you will be uncomfortable and unable to figure out how it happened. I am here to bring order to the whole. I am what you wanted and didn't know you wanted all along. I am your kick in the pants. I am the Temp Whisperer.