Son Of A Goat

The woman in the cubicle next to me in my current assignment talks to herself all day and pretty much narrates her day out loud. Below is a transcript of a couple of hours in one afternoon. What you don't get from this is the constant heavy sighing and monotone humming that is interspersed throughout.

Ok. So.
This, I’ll do this first?
Oh.
No.
Ohh, darn.
Son of a goat!
Crap.
There we go.
Ohhhhhh.
(typing) Um, thank you for your call at work…because…who did…
OK. You know what? I know. I changed my mind. We’re going to do two pages.
It’s at four, right? Four.
OK, um. I can do this. OK.
OH! Whoops! HMM!
I’m like what the heck?
That’s funny funny funny. Funny funny funny.
Uh oh. What the hell?
Oh I know why!
I gotta get started on the call for M---.
Oh come on.
I knew you were there.
Hmm! Perfect.
OH.
Oh.
I had it already.
What?
*Gasp* Son of a goat! Ouch.
OK.
One day, Alice. One day!
Let’s see what I’ve got. Whoops! Oh. Whoops! Oh.
…when I’ll return…the Monday…
OK. I haven’t told anybody that.
Well, what do you know.
OK, I’m not calling anymore tonight. Nope.
Oh shit. *gasp* Oh. Sorry.
No.
OK, now.
Oh boy. Tape.
What the hell? Ok. Of course.
Ok. Ok. HA! Oh my god.
…haven’t had it in years.
Um. What am I doing? Ok, if I go through…Oh. What appears…
OK. The 14th. One, two, three, four. Four people.
OK. April 28th. UGH! Um. Oops! No. No. Um. Oh.
OK. So, let’s see…
Oh. They didn’t take all my boxes. HAHAHAHAHA.
Oh, son of a goat.

Multiply times many hours over many days and I've got myself quite a show over here!

The Temp Must-Have Bring-Along Kit

I have been meaning for a long time to write down a list of things that as a temp can be very useful to bring along with you to an assignment.

1. Thumb drive with your own internet browser built in. Most peoples' computers are just chock full of horribleness. You do not want to be checking your email or inputting personal data on a machine that is crammed full of spyware. Also, a lot of studio computers don't give you administrative rights to install other browsers or programs like CCleaner. If you bring along your own thumb drive with something like Firefox Portable Edition on it, you can safely browse with your own settings and no one will be the wiser.
2. A book. Unfortunately, there will be days when you get to an assignment and no computer access is available to you. Don't rely on your phone for entertainment, it will die in a few hours. Bring a book or a notepad or a sketch pad or whatever it is that is important to you in the real world so you can have something to do while you're waiting for that phone to ring.
3. Food. As fun as it is to forage for food in your new desk and its environs (and yes, you absolutely should take and eat whatever you find), often there's not much to be had. I actually bring a whole lunchbag thingy with me complete with nuts, vitamins, good teas (the teas offered in offices are horrendous), fruit, etc. If you are going to be settling into a long run of a week or more, bring your own mug and water cup so you aren't wasting the paper and plastic crap they have in the break rooms.
4. Cleaning wipes. Dude, trust me on this. Have a set of some kind of pre-packaged alcohol swabs of some kind with you in your kit at all times. Usually the reason you have been brought in is because someone is out sick, which means they slobbered their illness all over their phone and computer before they left. SANITIZE, because you seriously can catch their sick. If you don't have any swabs on you, ask if there is a first aid kit nearby, they usually have them.
   
5. Butt pad for horrible chairs. You never know what you're going to get with this, but if you find you are placed in a torture chair, invest in a few ergonomic pieces to save yourself years of chiropractic visits (this is from experience). I have OFTEN been placed in jobs where the person is out for a few months due to back problems, only to find myself coming down with the same pains. Don't be afraid to change the setup when you get to a new space to accommodate your ergonomic needs.
6. Oh hell, just bring a whole backpack. You won't regret it. You can put all the aforementioned stuff in it and also, you know, bring home with you some items that you might pick up along the way, like free promo stuff - DVDs, CDs, whatever anyone offers you, just take it. You can always trade it in for credit at Amoeba.
   

Aeron Chairs and Aeron Knockoff Chairs

...are from Satan.

Hate you.

That is all.

Pet Peeves

Oh, I'm still here. Will try to share more temping horror stories. Sorry for the hiatus. I have been temping all over the studio again, going on very quick one-day to one-week jobs. There has been plenty to talk about. I'll start with things that drive me nuts about people's workspaces:

• COMIC SANS font. Really, what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you typing official documents EVER with this font? Why is this your system font? Again I ask, what is wrong with you? We aren't playing The Sims.

• Not explaining who the hell I'm supposed to be helping in your notes for the temp. You'd be amazed at how many people forget to give out this very BASIC information: who you're supporting, what phone lines you're answering, and what their phone lines are. Not to mention never explaining if you announce your calls via AIM, intercom, or good old-fashioned yelling.

• Incorrect spelling in your temp notes. Really? You never learned how to spell or punctuate? You don't know the difference between "their" and "they're," and you're employed as an assistant at a major corporation? I know many people who deserve your job much more than you do.

• You use your work email as your personal email address? Really? In 2010? You are getting Facebook messages and daily inspiration from your women's group in your work Outlook? Are you stupid? Also, do you realize that I am reading everything you get in your Inbox? While we're at it, you might want to think about using a different email address for your new job searches. And for God's sake, change your background image to something decent. I do not want to see you drunk.

• Your computer setup makes no sense. I know everyone has different ergonomic needs, but I'd say that 85% of the time, the workspace setup is downright atrocious. Like unacceptably uncomfortable and annoying in ways that make no sense. How are you not in traction? I get so much back pain from sitting in your seat and trying to use your keyboard and monitor the way you have them situated, I don't understand how you are alive right now.

• Your notes asking not to change your computer settings in any way. Well, I wouldn't HAVE to if you weren't such an irresponsible internet user, or if your monitor wasn't set to 800 x 600. I always install my own browser (usually Google Chrome because most people don't have it on their computer) so I can browse in peace without getting contaminated by your unsafe internet use. Don't tell me how to use your computer. (Note: I keep a list of everything I've changed and always change it all back, because I know you want all your spyware exactly where you left it.)

• No, I will not use your AIM screenname. You wouldn't believe how many people tell you to use their screenname to announce calls and stuff. Absolutely not! As much fun as it is to be privy to your sordid social life, and as tempting as it is to make up all kinds of wild lies to your friends posing as you, I won't do this. I usually make some excuse that my temp company doesn't allow me to pose as someone else. And then I use my own screenname.

This list to be continued.

Now That's More Like It

I am in a much better assignment. People leave me alone, generally. I have discovered a new tactic I haven't tried before in temping that seems to be paying off. I'm dressing more office-y. I'm finding this helps me give the perception that I care more than I do. So I can be generally lazy, but if someone comes over and I look all corporate, I MUST be doing something efficient! I am also using a more commanding, serious voice with my bosses. A voice that says "I am incredibly attentive and perky!" Inside I am just pretending I am on Mad Men.

...this could change tomorrow on my whim. I am not sure how long I can keep up the dressing up thing. It's a pain, but a fun experiment!

Dumped

Well, it has to happen to every temp sometime, and it is happening to me. I have been "re-assigned." No one has said anything, but I'm guessing it's because I HATE THIS CURRENT ASSIGNMENT and have done a gloriously crappy job of even being present. I am working in a promotions department that is so utterly busy and insane that I just can't keep up with it. And no one is helping me keep up with it. (Always try to avoid promotions departments wherever possible)

Here's the hard thing about being a temp: if you have a doctor's appointment or an act of God that keeps you from being at work, no one is on your side to back you up. My case this week: my flight home was cancelled so I had to miss a day of work, then got back and was very ill and needed immediate doctor's care, then had an audition the next day, then had another doctor's appt., then I had to leave early due to a pre-arranged half-day. These things HAPPEN. But when you're a temp, people do NOT appreciate it.

It is very hard to walk up to a perfect stranger you've just started working for and say, "I am in physical therapy and need to be at a doctor's appointment twice a week during lunch." You never know what you're going to get. A good majority of people will be kind and considerate and have no problem. And then you'll get an office like this, where it is a MAJOR inconvenience. But DO NOT sacrifice your health or real career (in my case acting) for these people! If you need to go to a doctor, GO TO THE FREAKIN' DOCTOR. The office is not going to burn down in your absence. The calls will be taken care of. The reports will be filed.

It is never good if you are on a job where you have to report to someone if you are leaving your desk to go to the bathroom. RED FLASHING LIGHT, fellow temps! Do what you can to get out of jobs with this kind of setup. This means that every minute is monitored. This means that you are beholden to someone else when it comes to your lunch hour so that "all the phones can be answered on the first ring!" No, no, no. This will not do. My tactic in this situation has been to just go to the damn bathroom, and if someone calls you on it, look at them with horror and say, "are you serious?" This just might change their mindset or help them see their current pathetic existences in a new light.

...or it might get you transferred out. Which, come on, as much as my pride is hurt, I am glad to be out of here. This place blows. I hate feeling like a failure but the great thing about temping is, THEY WILL FORGET, and NO ONE CARES. I already have a new assignment for Monday. OUT!

Filled With Secrets

Well, today was a weird day. I am assisting a dude I will call Mr. Snarly. He is a world of fun (and by fun I mean not fun). When I first met him my gaydar went on full effect and I was surprised to find out he was married to a woman. He's flouncy, snarky, pays attention to labels and handbags and crap that no self-respecting straight dude would care about. I figured that he's just closeted but events today have revealed I am ever-so-wrong (or, actually even more right than I think).

Snarly is really actually quite great in that he is easy to work for, makes very little demands, realizes I am a human being and lets me go to auditions, and generally wants to be left alone. Fine with me! His wife is practically the only person who calls all day. He likes to brag about his expensive house and the expensive gifts he gives his wife. He is all about wealth and status and being terribly, terribly bored by the world. I might be mistaking gayness for wealthy ennui.

We've had a bit of an awkward time getting to know each other. His mother died the week before last, and the way he handled it was chilling. They apparently didn't have a good relationship. He knew she was in decline, and the day it happened he off-handedly told me that his mother had just passed and that it was "totally ok, I'm just glad it's over." I realize this could just be the office persona so I'm willing to give him a pass on this one. He clearly has more than one persona, which I will get to below.

This week his position changed to working under a different boss, so we have to move. We've been packing up his office and mine. He's got a lot of crap on his shelves so I've just been throwing it all into boxes (what care I to go through it? Hello, temp!). I pulled out a bunch of old binders and found behind them a stack of porn-ish naked lady trading cards.

This is just not something you want to deal with in your work situations, but these things happen. What does the good temp do? You conjure up your best Joan Holloway and get that stuff out of there immediately, and discreetly. Maybe he saw, maybe he didn't, but I quickly grabbed it and threw it into a box by his desk as if I didn't notice what it was. Fine, whatever.

Then he had left for lunch and left his personal email inbox up on the screen. We had had a conversation the previous day about Twitter, and he was asking me if I was on Twitter and what did I think of it and how silly it seems and stuff. Well, in his inbox was a Twitter "someone is following you" message. Whuh? I'm sorry but I couldn't help but look to see his screenname (for completely innocent purposes of befriending, thinking maybe he'd set up an account after our talk).

...and that's when I found Snarly's other life. A twitter handle not related to his real name, and only a few followers, the first of whom is an LA escort. His very first tweet is something to the effect of "must make time for XXXXX (the escort)." WOWZA, jackpot!! So this dude has a whole lotta other life going on. Very, very strange, and really the only things surprising about it are the following:

1) He speaks to his wife ALL DAY long, they are clearly best friends.
2) I still can't get it through my mind that he's straight.

This all just goes to show a few things: secretaries know your business, people. There's nothing that escapes us. You've been unaccountably gone for hours during the day? We know where you are. Making weird calls or emails? We know what is up. Treat us accordingly and we can either help you or destroy you. Also, WHO THE HELL is stupid enough to cheat on their wives on Twitter? That is just stupid. You WILL be found out eventually, and there's a very public record! THINK, people!

My assignment with Snarl is set to end next Friday, with the possibility of extension. I will report back.